Sometimes
arguments are needed because they are the only way we can communicate our point
of view to another. There is a right way to argue and a wrong way. I am not
always sure about the right way, but shouting and throwing things is not the
right way!
But
do you sometimes find yourself arguing about something that is pointless? Do conflicts
between you and those you love escalate but not abate? Have you ever said
something with agitation in your voice that garnered an equally agitated
reaction until one or both of you were left with hurt feelings and a sour taste?
As your emotions accelerated have you ever said something you wished you hadn’t?
There
is a principle in God’s word that I have seen work very beautifully. I hope you
will consider it the next time someone gets in your face and spills out caustic
verbiage.
A soft answer turns
away wrath,
But a harsh word stirs up anger.
The tongue of the
wise uses knowledge rightly,
But the mouth of fools pours forth
foolishness.
Proverbs
15.1-2
A
“soft answer” does not mean appeasing compromise. It is not fair to others or
to ourselves if we enable others for their wrong behavior. It is not
necessarily Spiritual when we become too agreeable. We should agree when we can
but not while compromising godly convictions.
Years
ago, when I was a pastor, my wife and I received a late night phone call to our
home. She answered. The voice on the other end was loud, harsh and shrill, pouring
out accusations with anger. It was directed at both of us.
I
was sure that the caller was the one at fault and asked her to hand me the
phone. I was going to give this individual a piece of my mind. I thought, “How
dare they talk to my wife like that, and how dare they falsely accuse us both.”
Wisely,
she didn’t give me the phone, and wisely, she never increased her volume but
spoke in calm, even tones, speaking the truth in love. She never gave the
individual on the other end of the line any justification for raising their
voice. This caused things to settle and caused the angry accuser to look at
things more realistically. Before they both hung up the phone, I heard the
antagonist’s voice cool down into quietness. Surprisingly, the caller actually
apologized for speaking such harsh words.
Neither
my wife nor I had any trouble going to sleep that night but felt blessed that
things had turned out as they had. I was amazed at how the Lord had used her
soft answer to turn away someone’s wrath.
I
wonder how it would have gone if she had handed me the telephone that night. I
might have returned their accusations with accusations of my own. The volume
and tone of our conversation might have intensified until we both got more and
more irrational. Then, neither of us would be willing to listen to the other, only
wanting rather to make our own points loudly and clearly.
Instead,
the conversation ended with peacefulness rather than with perpetual punches.
I
cannot guarantee that your soft answers will produce the same results every
time. Some people are too irrational to hear what you have to say regardless of
the tone or volume. But “harsh words stir up anger.” Speaking harshly to
another might cause them to shut up, but it will never quell any hard feelings
they might have toward you.
Next
time someone jumps on your case about something, try to answer them truthfully
but gently and see how God might use it in both of your lives.
